We got so many questions about keeping our secret this time around. I have no regrets. The concreteness of discussion, of having shared our dreams, would have broken us this week. I bought one set of twin onesies, and they’re haunting me now.

Still, knowing, though incredibly painful, puts us out of our misery. I’m not sure why these past two matches have been so unsettled. We’ve worried about disruption with all of our matches, but the agency has always known we were okay. It’s just hard to wonder whether something we’re doing is opening us up to failure, or if it’s just our statistical turn in the barrel.

My aunt recommended I leave the nursery deployed until there’s a reason not to. So everything is still in place for a boy, or two boys. I’m not moving a single item until until we bring our next child into this house. Girl, boy, twins, who knows? We’re so glad we didn’t tell our kids, although they seemed to feel it coming. Tess and Remy even told Joy one day that they needed two babies, so they could each play with one! Can you imagine how we laughed?

Our oar is back in the water. We’re tired and building our hope back up. In the meantime, spring is coming. The park is green, the playground is full, and the lake is its deepest blue. I’m personally hoping for a miracle: for a great match with a short wait, as another long one may kill me. We’re not fools; in all likelihood, it’ll be months or a year. But a girl can dream! We wanted Remy and the next kid to be close in age, which we’ll just have to get over. I just keep reminding myself that once that child comes home, we won’t care. We’ll just celebrate our expanded family.

So after a few days of deep sadness, I put on my big girl pants and analyzed how we could improve our lives despite the huge setback. We’ve put multiple things on pause, waiting for maternity leave. No more. Changes are afoot! This weekend, we built a new adoption profile book and mentally started again. We organized dinners with friends, took Tess to her school interview and enjoyed walking around our neighborhood with the kids. This included a brunch and park date with Sassy, Susu and Poppi Doug! We set up a trip to Salt Lake City and talked to Kerna about a trip to Florida in the fall. All decisions we put on hold are now in play. No one will focus on our happiness but us; it’s our responsibility to cheer ourselves up. We’re doing our best!