Open and closed

We met our adoption lawyer over the phone last week, and she’s amazing. All questions are now going through her, and she’s handling all of the agency paperwork for the homestudy and the match. She was amazing when Remy was born; answered all of our questions, allayed our fears, and explained exactly how everything will go over the next few weeks and months until finalization. She’s also kept us posted on the ICPC paperwork progress, aka the permission slip to return home. Working with her feels like having a smarter version of me on the other end, which is a relief. Have I mentioned she parents six kids, three of whom she adopted? Her pedestal is tall in my eyes.

Our one disappointment in this match was that K really wanted to close the adoption when Deuce was born. We were really hoping she’d reconsider, but were willing to (mostly) settle for getting to know her over the six months of remaining pregnancy.

Who knows? In a few years, she may feel differently.

we said. We thought we could write letters and send photos to the agency just in case she changes her mind. After all, we really enjoy her and we now have this bond…

I can’t understand K’s process, but if I try to put myself in her place, her choices make sense to me. This decision must be ripping her apart, and a clean break is her way of moving forward. From our perspective, Tess’ open adoption has been incredibly rewarding, and our gratitude for our connection to Kat and Spencer, knowing they’re there if and when Tess has questions, is a great comfort. We’d love to show K how our son grows up, what his laugh sounds like and how he and his sister get along, but I don’t know if I’d be strong enough to see that if I were the mom choosing adoption.

As we signed all of the papers and she rejected a formal post-adoption communication plan, I sighed. Ok. Closed. Then she turned to me and said,

Well, I hope this isn’t the last time we see each other!

Huh? Suddenly I beamed. We were going to crack the door open. K had changed her mind just a little! We just weren’t doing it through the agency. K and I are texters, and I was so happy to get the first post-adoption buzz from her as we drove across the state. We can still respect her wishes (I don’t know that she wants photos right now, for example) but we did tell her about the blog. I won’t inundate her with texts but at least we’re staying in touch, and Dave, K and I got to spend enough time together in the hospital that I feel like she’s comfortable with us. Here’s hoping!

When we took the match, we set the goal of encouraging K to consider an open relationship. It goes both ways; we couldn’t make her, but we could show her who we are and hope. Knowing we accomplished that excited us almost as much as knowing Remy is part of our family. We want him to have the same choices as Tess will get in terms of knowing where he comes from and what his family is like. So yay! 🙂

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