Looking back

I don’t think anything in the world compares to having a sleepy child – your child – curled up on your shoulder like it’s the only place in the world they want to be. When Dave got up with Tess last night, I heard her go from shrieks to sighs in seconds. She did the same with me this morning, almost instantly, when I picked her up. The hospital time away from our lives, the house lockdown for her safety, the lack of sleep – we get why it doesn’t matter. Starting my day with that sweet, non-early bird baby gives meaning and joy to my whole day. Today was especially sweet, as she went right back to bed, so I got a few precious minutes with Dave before he headed to the office. This family, this life that I wasn’t sure I would ever have, just blows my mind.

I left my ex-husband and came back to the States in July 2008. At the time, I was struggling with the idea of who I was and wanted to be, whether I would ever find love again, losing a country I loved with the person I’d loved (I lost my Canadian permanent residency), and being completely unmoored in the world. My family was all I truly had at that time, as my ex and I had a lot of mutual friends and I didn’t know how that would play out. They grounded me, supported me, goaded me on, made me laugh, let me cry, and surpassed all of my expectations. They made me feel safe and loved, and like I had value.

As we raise Tess, that’s what I want for her. However we parent, I want her to know that in good times and bad, we will be her rock. As she snuggles in so close, I want that feeling of security to be with her always. She is the embodiment of what I felt I’d lost, and I’m so grateful that I get to be her mom and Dave’s wife every day. A lot of people I love are facing divorce right now, which always stirs up old emotions. I struggled with how to express how beautiful life can be in the aftermath of such a horrible sundering, and I’ve finally just wished all of them the joy in their new beginning that I’ve found in mine.

On to baby stuff! We had grand, first-time parent plans for our baby before we met her and got NICU’d. It suddenly occurred to me, when she grew into the biodegradable diapers we bought thinking our child would come to us in newborn size, that we’d never intended to be Huggies users. We were going to be green! I instinctually have been buying what the hospital used. After a little chat, we decided we’ll let practicality determine whether we remain “consumers” or “environmentalists”. In other words, we’re testing out some greener options, but if they’re annoying or difficult, we will sidle back to the dark side. Don’t judge. Or do. Can’t do a thing about it. We’re lazy folk.

So with that in mind, we strapped her into her first cloth/disposable hybrid tonight, saving the terrifyingly limp and beige 7th Generation diaper for later. The cloth gPants insert is earth-friendly but tossable/flushable. I won’t pretend the blowout issue doesn’t terrify us. We’ll keep you posted. I do like that the packaging is not militant, and supports various levels of environmental dedication/parental exhaustion. First impressions? They’re kind of cute and elastic. Also, they include the modernization of those wacky rubber pants I remember. Ack. We’re off to save Mother earth! (now I have to figure out where to recycle the billions of batteries running her swing an bouncy chair.)











One thought on “Looking back

  1. Maren says – “Cute little baby. She’s getting chubby!”
    Dude, I used cloth with both of mine. The blowouts always happened in the disposables. I grew to love the real elastics on cloth dupes. We do use the evil paper pants at night now because we never found a combo that works for Baby Callum for nighttime once he got big, but otherwise it’s pretty much been cloth all the way. You’ll find what works for you!

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