Day 45

Last night Kat and Spencer gave Dave the first ultrasound picture they have of Tess. Such a meaningful gift, and yet I had no way to explain to them why the ultrasound picture made me tear up.

Dave and I tried in vitro 3 times. The third time, it took. We were over the moon! We came back in for our first ultrasound at 8 weeks, and they found…nothing. We lost the baby before we heard the first heartbeat. When we see ultrasound shots, our minds go to that moment of intense heartbreak, the horrible closure after almost a year of fertility ups and downs.

This morning, we were talking about how seeing Tess’ ultrasound images is a balm on that pain. Tess is here; she’s real and healthy. Seeing stages of her growth is joyful, not painful. We’ll never forget that day, but being Tess’ parents converts it to memory versus experience. I remember the pain, but don’t feel it now when I think of it. Infertility is such an intense, emotional ride. We learned so much from it, but we also knew when to walk away.

Dave and I are not traditional people, and our life reflects that. We are joyful people, and finding that joy in atypical ways makes us even happier. For us, adoption was simply another path to building a family. We didn’t realize that this process is equally emotional and complex, and how rewarding it would be to develop a relationship with everyone touched by the adoption – not just the baby. So not only are we now experiencing parenthood; we’re healing. We worried for so long that we wouldn’t get to be parents, and here we are – enjoying sonograms. 🙂

Tess is doing great, and mom’s been shooting us amazing pictures all day of the transformations happening at home. It’s incredible to see rooms empty and gutted that were HOME the last time we saw them! We’re loving the reminder that in a few weeks/months, our whole lives will look different. Go home team!

Here in Salt Lake, we’re momentarily living it up. Going out two nights in a row, something we did all the time before, is almost impossible to imagine. Still, we’re doing it! Shannon’s in town singing Mozart Requiem. That can’t be missed. Maybe we’re leveling up in NICU parenthood! In the meantime, we’ll dream about naps. Lol.

4 thoughts on “Day 45

  1. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I’m so glad the picture is significant in other ways. I remember lying in bed at night playing the ‘what if’ game with Spencer, saying things like ‘what if the baby has four arms?’ ‘what if the baby has a hunchback?’ and so on and so forth (terrible I know). But those really were concerns of mine! So when we saw her on that screen for the first time it was magical- she was perfect and healthy! And of course it was bittersweet because we wanted to share that feeling so badly. We oooh’d and awee’d over that picture everyday and planned on keeping it forever, but after going through so much with you guys we felt it more belonged to you than us. I’m so glad you have it now to oooh and awee over as we did. She was just as cute in there as she is now!

  2. Happy birthday to Dave!
    We’re so happy that you’re getting to experience so much positive transformation, not just of Tess, but of yourselves and your memories. I love how closely we get to watch you two taking on the art of parenthood.

    Thanks for the snuggly video and adorable pictures!

  3. TESS TV! We had it on for a ridiculous amount of time. Alex kept saying ” oh my gosh, have you seen THIS one!? Shes’ soooo cute!”” 🙂
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY DAVE!!! We are so proud of you guys and how you have lived a very, very challenging time. You two held onto hope, love and above all, the most important…laughter. To be able to laugh, full body laugh, in the midst of crap life, is the true proof of the strength of your relationship.

    I can so appreciate how that sonogram must feel to look at….she’s here, she’s real, and she’s yours. The first picture that will start one of those awesome picbooks Mags makes….the 1st of a what I’m sure will be a crazy encyclopedia of them 🙂 We love you guys!!

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