Last night Kat and Spencer gave Dave the first ultrasound picture they have of Tess. Such a meaningful gift, and yet I had no way to explain to them why the ultrasound picture made me tear up.
Dave and I tried in vitro 3 times. The third time, it took. We were over the moon! We came back in for our first ultrasound at 8 weeks, and they found…nothing. We lost the baby before we heard the first heartbeat. When we see ultrasound shots, our minds go to that moment of intense heartbreak, the horrible closure after almost a year of fertility ups and downs.
This morning, we were talking about how seeing Tess’ ultrasound images is a balm on that pain. Tess is here; she’s real and healthy. Seeing stages of her growth is joyful, not painful. We’ll never forget that day, but being Tess’ parents converts it to memory versus experience. I remember the pain, but don’t feel it now when I think of it. Infertility is such an intense, emotional ride. We learned so much from it, but we also knew when to walk away.
Dave and I are not traditional people, and our life reflects that. We are joyful people, and finding that joy in atypical ways makes us even happier. For us, adoption was simply another path to building a family. We didn’t realize that this process is equally emotional and complex, and how rewarding it would be to develop a relationship with everyone touched by the adoption – not just the baby. So not only are we now experiencing parenthood; we’re healing. We worried for so long that we wouldn’t get to be parents, and here we are – enjoying sonograms. 🙂
Tess is doing great, and mom’s been shooting us amazing pictures all day of the transformations happening at home. It’s incredible to see rooms empty and gutted that were HOME the last time we saw them! We’re loving the reminder that in a few weeks/months, our whole lives will look different. Go home team!
Here in Salt Lake, we’re momentarily living it up. Going out two nights in a row, something we did all the time before, is almost impossible to imagine. Still, we’re doing it! Shannon’s in town singing Mozart Requiem. That can’t be missed. Maybe we’re leveling up in NICU parenthood! In the meantime, we’ll dream about naps. Lol.